Tuesday, April 1, 2014

the nightmare: I had an abusive boyfriend.

Even if you say you haven’t, we’ve all exercised bad judgment at some point in our lives.
it all started 1 year ago.. since our anniversary was march 10. back then.. he was all nice and sweet.. so caring the kinda guy you thought who would never hurt you.. 

we met a gaming convention they held a fashion show where I was modeling in.
I played tekken and he played tekken that's where we met each other..
no one really liked me that much.. because I wasn't pretty nor do I have an exceptional talent in anything.. and I mostly get rejected every single day of my life and I was kind of okay with it.. medyo immune na rin nmn ako..

after the first 3 months medyo naging shaky na ung relationship nmin.. he thought that I was having an affair sa mga ibang lalaki I kinda sort of did pero it was really nothing it was just texts and calls.. 
I was shocked, but my guilt over hurting him made me feel he was justified in acting this upset.
nag simula sa mga simpleng pag sampal.. tapos ma kukunsensya na siya.. but as time goes by he started hitting me harder.

he'll choke me, pull my hair so hard it'll even fall, kukurutin ung tagiliran ko,punch me lightly in the face pero repeatedly I kind of get na he was still trying not to leave a mark or bruise in me..

there is this one time.. na sobrang I was traumatized and scared.. the thing about him is after he does all those things he'll say sorry and that he loves me and that I was the one who pushed him to do that.. tapos aamuhin niya ako.. every single time and I always fall for the "hindi na mauulit, I'll change". ilang beses pero nde ako nadala..

I remember we had an argument and then he puts out a swiss knife? right the one na parang marami pang ibang function maliban sa knife.. he pulled a knife and stick out of my lungs.. and was daring me to scream.
and he'll always tell me everything is my fault and no matter how much he hurts me kulang pa daw yun sa lahat ng pinaramdam ko sa knya..

I spent every day with a heavy, unmovable lump of anxiety in my stomach. I wasn’t eating and I was drinking a lot.  I was in a constant state of holding back tears. The inside of my bottom lip would bleed from me biting it to stop from crying in embarrassing places. I threw up in the bathroom, at meet up with a client, once in a grocery store. I should have left him. He should have left me.

merong isang araw takot na takot ako because he's coming over and he actually said na "humanda ako"
He called me five times before I picked up. I let him in. We didn’t speak, just went to sleep. It was around 11 pm. He held me so tightly. I wondered how it could be so unfair that though he was the one who hurt me, he was the only one who could make me feel better.

everytime I'll try to break up with him.. lagi niya akong sisingilin about all the money he spent on me..
and he knows I'm kind of down and not stable since I don't much of a commissions up on me.. and it was scary.. sometimes even a play in League of legends would stress him.. and we're gonna be in an argument and it'll end up with me getting beaten up again..

nag sumbong ako sa ate ko.. and asked them what should I do.. sa katangahan ko I got back to him.. na uto nanaman ako.. he's good with his words.. 

and now he is threatening my life.. and always tells me na may mga kamag anak sila sa supreme court and he can make it look like na everything is my fault daw...

My sisters and mga tao dito was.. gone and nsa boracay so I'm the only one here.. he beats me up badly that I did't knew he took my keys and I'm scared he might be back :(.

I tried.. I really tried to fix things and I just couldn't anymore :'(

people told me to contact the police but.. I don't know if I can deal with all of those ayokong mag scandalo or make a scene ayokong gumawa ng something na ikahihiya ng family ko. 
I seriously feel lost and scared.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

february favorites.

left to right: 1. anna sui mirror 2. Dior 384 rose scenario 3. kawaii lashes 4. N.Y.C extreme lip glider 5. Body shop concealer stick.

though I gotta say that I have been using that concealer since I was in H.S and I'm in love with it.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

the girl in the summoners rift.

I have been recently active in a female team called as you may recall on my last posts.. I am not the captain anymore though I still am consider as the founder of this team.

we've been called a lot of hateful names,slut shamed and all the mean things you can think of.

People say a lot of things about me now--that I was mean/toxic/etc/etc, but at the end of the day I think I realize now people say whatever they want to make themselves happy: to give themselves some sort of validation in life. Everything you've read has been extremely exaggerated and incredibly one-sided, but I understand everyone's need to create drama, and want for attention. 

overnight @ mineski huuraaayyy for eyebags <3
people are saying I created team goddess because I wanted to recruit popular girls and become some group with the most attention, funny how people kept saying that.. but we never plugged our team page in other groups that we are in.. we never messaged anybody to like our team :) we only plugged our team page in our our profile and walls

finally platinum again! I was a plat III on season

we practice a lot recently.. scrims and rank teams though our queue get sniped a lot we really didn't mind because we are having so much fun playing with each other.

fun? what fun? here i am getting stressed haha! kidding oh looky mommy inna with her daughter while she is playing <3

Cairi and I are probably the most bashed member in the team.. but she got my back and I got hers :)

sometimes people trash us so bad that maybe they forgot that we are only human and we have feelings..
and maybe they think bringing us down would make them superior but it doesn't and we will never let that happen.

I really wanted to be a top player ever since my tekken days or DoTA days..  to some people this are just games but for me this meant something It has been my outlet for my competitiveness or whenever this cruel world treats me badly league of legend has been my escape :) I don't know if I'll ever reached that dream to be playing in LCS one day but I'm just keeping my fingers crossed.

IGN: Goddess Alexa, Plat V
play time 7 pm - 3 am

If I get get a decent PC and afford a fast internet I'll definitely stream my games. <3

Etude bubble hair dye.

left: natural brown / right: mocha pink

I tried out mocha pink

It really didn't do much to my hair.. I guess because my hair was pure black :/ I didn't bother taking pictures because it's only visible with really good lighting :3 but i'll still give it  8/10 <3 It still gave a beautiful brown tint in my hair especially when I'm outdoor.